At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
