The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
