I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
