i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
