stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
