Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Text me some of your sweat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
