so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
