My pussy is not your playground.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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