i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
