I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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