best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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