And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
