I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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