after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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