shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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