My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
