And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
