i need an iv and a liver transplant
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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