No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
