i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
