The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars