On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.