My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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