She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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