Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
