So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
