Who wears a wallet chain?!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
