Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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