Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is it penis luge time yet?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
