I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
