did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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