I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
