idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
