someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
