wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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