A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
