life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
