My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
