Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize