You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
