Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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