i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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