even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
