I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
