Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
