I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
