I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
