Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
