You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
