I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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