I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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