I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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