I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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