why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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