I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
