I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
