dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
