And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
