theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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