i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We are all done wearing pants today
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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