So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
