i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
