I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Less talking, more tequila
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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